The word in-laws tends to have two reactions, happiness or dread. My own relationship with in-laws has had ups and downs. I feel like we have reached a level of friendship and respect that makes the relationships a treasure and blessing to my family's lives.
So what can one do to strengthen relationships with in-laws? First we can expect and accept differences. Rather than getting irritated or frustrated with differences in religion, beliefs, or values, we can choose to look at the positive. Look for the things you like about them. Remember that you fell in love with a spouse who was raised by these individuals. So there has to be something you like about them.
"Difference is something that can be anticipated and even looked forward to because of its potential for creating growth in family members. Prayer, fasting, and loving long-suffering are the best remedies when differences...bother us" (Harper and Olsen, 330).
Every family is governed by unspoken rules. For example, always pay cash for things, don't marry someone with a different religion, race, or nationality. It is a good idea to discuss about the unspoken rules each spouse has grown up with. Some unspoken rules are handling conflict, finances, expressing emotions, or topics not to talk about. "The clearer the family rules are, the better, because new sons- or daughters-in-law can't follow rules if they don't understand them" (Harper and Olsen, 332).
Forgiveness is essential to maintaining and creating strong relationships. Letting go of anger, offense, and hatred may be the first step in the process of building a better relationship because we cannot move forward with these other things until we have let go of anger and resentment. It may take time and effort to resolve these issues. If we trust in the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ, we can mend troubled relationships.
Frequent positive contact and communication is a great way for adult married children to strengthen the relationship between their in-laws. It sends the message that you value your relationship with them. "Research shows that when daughters-in-law disclose information about themselves, communicate openly, accept differences, use empathy, and push for a relational connection, they have high-quality relationships with mothers-in-law (Harper and Olsen, 332).
Any progress made in bettering our relationship is worth every effort made. It may take time, effort, forgiveness, and loving long suffering, but it is possible to build a meaningful relationship with in-laws.
References:
Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended
Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and
healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to
the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.
Friday, July 19, 2019
Friday, July 12, 2019
Family Council
A few years ago I was taking notes during General Conference. Elder Ballard gave a talk on family councils. I felt so strongly that my family needed to start having family council. So we started weekly family council. I'd like to say we were awesome, but we fizzled out. Shortly after we fizzled out I was studying the scriptures and I read the story about the vineyard. The Lord of the vineyard tells his servants to build a wall around the vineyard and towers so they can see the enemy coming. The servants start and then fizzle out and don't finish. The enemies come and destroy the vineyard. I had the distinct thought come to my mind, "You have done the same as these servants with family council." I was ashamed. I learned that family council was essentially building a tower and wall around my family so we could be protected and see problems before they came so we could protect our family from spiritual enemies. I repented and we have regular family council now.
In Counseling with our Councils, M. Russell Ballard said, "I don't know that it is possible for any organization to succeed in the church... without adopting the genius of our Church government. What is that? As I conceive it, the genius of our Church government is government though councils."
I would say the same is true for families.
Fast forward to last school year. A problem arose in our family. I was concerned about it. So I started praying about it. During personal scripture study I came across a scripture that applied and I counseled with my spouse about it and we brainstormed some ideas on what to do. During family council I brought the problem up and immediately I was inspired to know exactly how to handle the situation. We agreed on the solution as a family and everyone began to actively work towards fixing the problem. Couples and family council literally helped our family prevent Satan from attacking our family with something that could have had a very negative impact on us.
Moses 1: 1-14 has some nuggets that apply to councils. In vs 4 God says, “you are my son." Then in vs 13 Satan comes to tempt Moses, but Moses says “I am a son of God.” God knew Satan would come to tempt Moses. He taught Moses exactly what he needed to know before Satan came. When we are righteous and striving to do as God wants us, he will do the same for us. He will prepare us to meet the temptations we will face.
It made me think of the tower I’m building with family council. God will prepare us before Satan comes. I bear witness that God will do the same for us in our family councils. I have experienced multiple times where we discuss something in family council and my children face the situation later and know exactly what to do because we've already talked about it. It is amazing and I am incredibly grateful for the influence and change it has had on my family.
In Counseling with our Councils, M. Russell Ballard said, "I don't know that it is possible for any organization to succeed in the church... without adopting the genius of our Church government. What is that? As I conceive it, the genius of our Church government is government though councils."
I would say the same is true for families.
Fast forward to last school year. A problem arose in our family. I was concerned about it. So I started praying about it. During personal scripture study I came across a scripture that applied and I counseled with my spouse about it and we brainstormed some ideas on what to do. During family council I brought the problem up and immediately I was inspired to know exactly how to handle the situation. We agreed on the solution as a family and everyone began to actively work towards fixing the problem. Couples and family council literally helped our family prevent Satan from attacking our family with something that could have had a very negative impact on us.
Moses 1: 1-14 has some nuggets that apply to councils. In vs 4 God says, “you are my son." Then in vs 13 Satan comes to tempt Moses, but Moses says “I am a son of God.” God knew Satan would come to tempt Moses. He taught Moses exactly what he needed to know before Satan came. When we are righteous and striving to do as God wants us, he will do the same for us. He will prepare us to meet the temptations we will face.
It made me think of the tower I’m building with family council. God will prepare us before Satan comes. I bear witness that God will do the same for us in our family councils. I have experienced multiple times where we discuss something in family council and my children face the situation later and know exactly what to do because we've already talked about it. It is amazing and I am incredibly grateful for the influence and change it has had on my family.
Saturday, July 6, 2019
Giving No Heed
Today's topic is a little more sensitive. Many people have experienced the devastating consequences of infidelity in marriage. It switch this in mind that I approach. This subject in a way to give ways we can actively work towards complete fidelity between husband and wife.
What is infidelity? If you are like me, you think only of physical infidelity, but there is more than one side to infidelity. To truly understand infidelity, I think we need to discuss what fidelity means.
Kevin Matheson wrote an article entitled, Fidelity in Marriage: It's More Than You Think. He said "Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife...Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind." In this same article Kevin Matheson went on to say that we should call it spiritual fidelity because it us see all forms of fidelity not just physical, but more importantly, it helps use keep eternal covenants in mind.
In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. Goddard said, "Much like Jesus, Joseph "suffered temptations but gave no heed unto them" (D&C 20:22). In a time when lust is the backdrop to almost all relationships, Joseph stands as an example to us of a pure heart. Joseph honored his covenants above pleasure, lust, threats, prison, or convince. He gave no place for evil."
The job for all couples is to be like Joseph and run away. Give the temptation no heed. Do not allow yourself to think about another person in a lustful way. Satan is subtle. He sensationalized infidelity in popular movies and music. We are becoming desensitized to sexuality. We must ever be on our guard and guard our thoughts as well. Dr Goddard said, "Perhaps this is Satan's favorite ploy with those who desire goodness and are filled with compassion. The Book of Mormon describes his strategy: "and others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion...and thus the devil cheaters their souls and leaders them away carefully down to hell."
"By small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6). Satan uses this tactic too. Small and simple things that accumulate over time that if we allow him to will "carefully lead us down to hell" (2 Nephi 28:21). The way to combat this is through "small and simple things." It is choosing to keep our thoughts clean. Choosing to turn the movie off, change the station, or look away from temptation. We must make a plan now so when we are tempted by inappropriate thoughts, then we already know how to respond. Sing a hymn, think about all the things you love about your spouse, say a prayer, or go for a walk. Make your plan now and every time you are faced with temptation stick to your plan. As we strive to do this, I know we too can be like Joseph and "give them no heed."
What is infidelity? If you are like me, you think only of physical infidelity, but there is more than one side to infidelity. To truly understand infidelity, I think we need to discuss what fidelity means.
Kevin Matheson wrote an article entitled, Fidelity in Marriage: It's More Than You Think. He said "Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife...Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind." In this same article Kevin Matheson went on to say that we should call it spiritual fidelity because it us see all forms of fidelity not just physical, but more importantly, it helps use keep eternal covenants in mind.
In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. Goddard said, "Much like Jesus, Joseph "suffered temptations but gave no heed unto them" (D&C 20:22). In a time when lust is the backdrop to almost all relationships, Joseph stands as an example to us of a pure heart. Joseph honored his covenants above pleasure, lust, threats, prison, or convince. He gave no place for evil."
The job for all couples is to be like Joseph and run away. Give the temptation no heed. Do not allow yourself to think about another person in a lustful way. Satan is subtle. He sensationalized infidelity in popular movies and music. We are becoming desensitized to sexuality. We must ever be on our guard and guard our thoughts as well. Dr Goddard said, "Perhaps this is Satan's favorite ploy with those who desire goodness and are filled with compassion. The Book of Mormon describes his strategy: "and others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion...and thus the devil cheaters their souls and leaders them away carefully down to hell."
"By small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6). Satan uses this tactic too. Small and simple things that accumulate over time that if we allow him to will "carefully lead us down to hell" (2 Nephi 28:21). The way to combat this is through "small and simple things." It is choosing to keep our thoughts clean. Choosing to turn the movie off, change the station, or look away from temptation. We must make a plan now so when we are tempted by inappropriate thoughts, then we already know how to respond. Sing a hymn, think about all the things you love about your spouse, say a prayer, or go for a walk. Make your plan now and every time you are faced with temptation stick to your plan. As we strive to do this, I know we too can be like Joseph and "give them no heed."
Friday, June 28, 2019
Gridlock
In Dr. Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles For Making a Marriage Work," he talks about gridlock. A gridlock is when spouses have two very different opinions, beliefs, or values about a subject that they cannot agree on. He says that to really find an answer to a gridlock in a marriage, it will take a few sessions. Couples need to begin by telling what their view point means to them. No accusations. Only give the background of why it is so important to you. Listen without judgment. If things begin to get heated, sooth one another ie:meditate together or find humor. Then you can pursue the ongoing task of finding an acceptable compromise for both partners. Dr. Gottman gives us an important reminder, "Understand that your purpose is not to solve the conflict- it will probably never go away completely. Instead, the goal is to "declaw" the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of pain."
As an example, my husband and I are totally different in our organization. He came from a cluttery home. I came from a very organized and clean home. I get stressed out when things are not orderly and tidy. My husband isn't bothered by clutter or being unorganized. So, our solution was he has a corner in our bedroom with a night stand and dresser that you have to walk in and turn around to see. He can have it as messy and cluttery as he wants. I do not nag or complain. If he leaves things out around the house where it becomes clutter to me, I can put the items on his dresser or nightstand. He will never be as organized as I am. It's not a priority to him. I will always like things more organized than him. We compromised by agreeing to keep the main living areas clean, but that he gets a space where he has free rein to do whatever he wants with. It works for us and keeps us from constantly being frustrated about the issue.
Overcoming a gridlock is possible, it will require some give and take, but finding a solution you can both be happy with is achievable.
As an example, my husband and I are totally different in our organization. He came from a cluttery home. I came from a very organized and clean home. I get stressed out when things are not orderly and tidy. My husband isn't bothered by clutter or being unorganized. So, our solution was he has a corner in our bedroom with a night stand and dresser that you have to walk in and turn around to see. He can have it as messy and cluttery as he wants. I do not nag or complain. If he leaves things out around the house where it becomes clutter to me, I can put the items on his dresser or nightstand. He will never be as organized as I am. It's not a priority to him. I will always like things more organized than him. We compromised by agreeing to keep the main living areas clean, but that he gets a space where he has free rein to do whatever he wants with. It works for us and keeps us from constantly being frustrated about the issue.
Overcoming a gridlock is possible, it will require some give and take, but finding a solution you can both be happy with is achievable.
Saturday, June 22, 2019
Perspective
This week started off with a bang. My 12 month old son aspirated a peanut (brother and sister were eating trail mix and dropped some on the floor). He has a partially collapsed lung. He chewed it up enough that its too small and too far down in his lungs to take it out. Which puts him at a huge risk for pneumonia. He literally sounds like he has a whistle in his lungs. Being worried for my baby's health has put a few things in perspective.
As I thought about my son, the lame stuff that had gone on earlier that day didn't matter. The sibling fighting, the disobedience, whether or not my house was clean. I didn't care. All I wanted was to hold my baby tight and have him be okay. Experiences like this make the unimportant stuff melt away.
Which is what I want to talk about. We get caught up sometimes in the unimportant. Is it annoying that your spouse doesn't put his socks in the dirty clothes bin, maybe you don't like the way they drive, or the TV shows they like to watch. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. Let it go. Your response is your choice.
Elder Lynn Roberts gave a talk entitled, "Agency and Anger. He said, "A cunning part of [satan's] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.“He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!"
Choose to let it go, choose to not get angry, choose to find the good instead of the bad. Walk away from the socks or better yet, just put them in the dirty clothes bin yourself. Spend that time with the the ones you love and never take them for granted because we may not always have them with us. I guarantee if your spouse was gone, you'd give anything to have those dirty socks on the floor again. That's my advice to you this week. This week when I saw all too closely how fragile life is, I didn't think of all the things I was frustrated about. I thought about all the wonderful things I loved about my baby. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a tiny person who I am going to snuggle closely and thank my lucky stars I can still do that.
As I thought about my son, the lame stuff that had gone on earlier that day didn't matter. The sibling fighting, the disobedience, whether or not my house was clean. I didn't care. All I wanted was to hold my baby tight and have him be okay. Experiences like this make the unimportant stuff melt away.
Which is what I want to talk about. We get caught up sometimes in the unimportant. Is it annoying that your spouse doesn't put his socks in the dirty clothes bin, maybe you don't like the way they drive, or the TV shows they like to watch. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. Let it go. Your response is your choice.
Elder Lynn Roberts gave a talk entitled, "Agency and Anger. He said, "A cunning part of [satan's] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.“He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!"
Saturday, June 15, 2019
Pride vs Humility
It's a show down. Pride in the left corner with his coach Satan. Humility in the opposite corner with his coach Christ. Who will win!?! In a world becoming increasingly focused on self and self fulfillment, pride seems to be taking the lead. In his book,"Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," Dr. Goddard quoted Roy Baumeiste, "Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one's individual best interests. If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the self, then it is regarded as wrong, and the individual is justified, perhaps even obligated-to end the relationship and find a new, more fulfilling one. According to today's values, "A kind of selfishness is essential to love."
We are warned that in the last days the "love of men will wax cold" (D&C 45:27). The more we focus on self, the more we open ourselves up to pride slipping in. President Benson gave a talk entitled, "Beware of Pride." He said, "Pride adversely affects all our relationships-our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?" It is pride that leads us to find fault with others. In a marriage it is being critical of our spouses weaknesses. We begin to focus on what everyone else is doing wrong rather than looking inward and asking, "Lord is it I" (Matthew 26:22)?
We are warned that in the last days the "love of men will wax cold" (D&C 45:27). The more we focus on self, the more we open ourselves up to pride slipping in. President Benson gave a talk entitled, "Beware of Pride." He said, "Pride adversely affects all our relationships-our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?" It is pride that leads us to find fault with others. In a marriage it is being critical of our spouses weaknesses. We begin to focus on what everyone else is doing wrong rather than looking inward and asking, "Lord is it I" (Matthew 26:22)?
Is there a gage or warning signs to help us prevent pride slipping into our relationships and marriage? The good news is there is! Dr. Goddard said, "In fact, any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility." President Benson said, "The antidote for Pride is humility-meekness, submissiveness. It is a broken heart and a contrite spirit." We push the natural man aside when we look inward and focus on our own repentance and when we refuse to take offense or find fault. There was a time where I feel irritated with my spouse when he didn't do things the way I thought he should. I was too prideful to admit to myself that I was struggling with the demands of motherhood and post partum depression. So I took my irritation out on my husband. When I think back on this time, I can see how I was not willing to look at myself and see what was really going on. My spouse wasn't doing anything different than he had done for the past 15 years of our marriage, but I was feeling different. Thankfully my spouse took the problem to the Lord to know how to handle it. He was told to serve me more. It eased my burden and I was able to come out of my negative way of thinking. My pride caused the problem, but his humility and desire to seek the Lord's help, changed the situation.
Next time you feel irritated with the actions of others, follow Dr. Goddard's words that "love is not a happy accident, but a choice." Choose to repent and use those irritations to repent and humble yourself. Choose happiness and humility.
Next time you feel irritated with the actions of others, follow Dr. Goddard's words that "love is not a happy accident, but a choice." Choose to repent and use those irritations to repent and humble yourself. Choose happiness and humility.
Friday, June 7, 2019
Turning Towards One Another
What comes to mind when you read the words, "turning towards one another?" Do you envision standing back to back and on the count of three turning to face each other, locking eyes in a staring contest? First one to blink looses and has to give the winner a kiss. This is a small way my spouse and I choose to turn towards one another. The phrase "turn towards one another" means to turn to each other for strength, comfort, and friendship. It means when times are hard you go to your spouse for strength. It means finding small and simple ways to enjoy being together or connect.
Dr Gottman talked about emotionally intelligent husbands. He said, "he makes choices that show he honors her. When he's watching the football game and she needs to talk, he'll turn off the TV and listen. He is choosing "us" over "me"." While he was specifically talking about husbands, wives should do the same for her husband. When both spouses are willing to put "us" before "me" then they are turning towards one another.
That starring contest I told you about at the beginning was a cheap and quick date night my spouse and I had after putting kids to bed. Best two out of three. We laughed together during it. He cheated by blowing into my eyes so I declared myself the winner. Another time we had a root beer tasting date. We had always wanted to taste a few root beers at the store, but never did. So we got 8 different bottles of root beer and tasted them and rated them. Incase you are wondering, we like Dad's and A&W root beer the best. We both agreed that all the fancy bottles we had always wanted to taste were kind of gross. Small and simple things keep our friendship strong. We usually end the date with taking about goals, dreams, fears, triumphs, or trials. We laugh and joke all throughout the conversation. It is not any one grand gesture that keep us close, but an accumulation of small moments over time. We utilize our time together. If we're driving in the car, we don't turn on the radio. Rather we play little made up games or tell each other jokes and try not to laugh. We talk about our faith or take inventory on our relationship. Another simple thing we do is a love notebook. Every day my husband and I write each other a short love note. Usually it's only 2-4 lines. We write things we admire and love about one another. It keeps our thoughts turned to the positive traits in each other. I give you these examples so you can see a happy marriage doesn't require expensive dates or even large chunks of time. It includes a kiss as you pass each other in the hall, a wink at church, holding hands as you are driving, snuggling on the couch while you are teaching come follow me, a encouraging text throughout the day, or a complement on their appearance (my love language is verbal praise so it means the world to me when my spouse complements me). These are small gestures that keep us turning towards one another.
Dr. Goddard said, "When our focus is in the unpleasant and mundane, we trivialize everything. We become like the three stooges, endlessly punching and shoving each other...we bicker and bristle and fail to claim the blessings that God has offered. Is our faith a vibrant ennobling power in our lives? Or do our complaints and discomfort eclipse any vision of the eternal?...When we have the eternal perspective on our marriage, everything is different....As we turn from the natural man to the ways pf Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of god-given charity." This week try writing a note to your spouse every day with things that you love and admire about them. Take time to think about the positive traits they have. This exercise, if done regularly, can help change negative feelings and thought patterns to a positive and relationship building experience. It will help you see them more like our Father in Heaven sees them and help you turn towards one another.
Dr Gottman talked about emotionally intelligent husbands. He said, "he makes choices that show he honors her. When he's watching the football game and she needs to talk, he'll turn off the TV and listen. He is choosing "us" over "me"." While he was specifically talking about husbands, wives should do the same for her husband. When both spouses are willing to put "us" before "me" then they are turning towards one another.
That starring contest I told you about at the beginning was a cheap and quick date night my spouse and I had after putting kids to bed. Best two out of three. We laughed together during it. He cheated by blowing into my eyes so I declared myself the winner. Another time we had a root beer tasting date. We had always wanted to taste a few root beers at the store, but never did. So we got 8 different bottles of root beer and tasted them and rated them. Incase you are wondering, we like Dad's and A&W root beer the best. We both agreed that all the fancy bottles we had always wanted to taste were kind of gross. Small and simple things keep our friendship strong. We usually end the date with taking about goals, dreams, fears, triumphs, or trials. We laugh and joke all throughout the conversation. It is not any one grand gesture that keep us close, but an accumulation of small moments over time. We utilize our time together. If we're driving in the car, we don't turn on the radio. Rather we play little made up games or tell each other jokes and try not to laugh. We talk about our faith or take inventory on our relationship. Another simple thing we do is a love notebook. Every day my husband and I write each other a short love note. Usually it's only 2-4 lines. We write things we admire and love about one another. It keeps our thoughts turned to the positive traits in each other. I give you these examples so you can see a happy marriage doesn't require expensive dates or even large chunks of time. It includes a kiss as you pass each other in the hall, a wink at church, holding hands as you are driving, snuggling on the couch while you are teaching come follow me, a encouraging text throughout the day, or a complement on their appearance (my love language is verbal praise so it means the world to me when my spouse complements me). These are small gestures that keep us turning towards one another.
Dr. Goddard said, "When our focus is in the unpleasant and mundane, we trivialize everything. We become like the three stooges, endlessly punching and shoving each other...we bicker and bristle and fail to claim the blessings that God has offered. Is our faith a vibrant ennobling power in our lives? Or do our complaints and discomfort eclipse any vision of the eternal?...When we have the eternal perspective on our marriage, everything is different....As we turn from the natural man to the ways pf Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of god-given charity." This week try writing a note to your spouse every day with things that you love and admire about them. Take time to think about the positive traits they have. This exercise, if done regularly, can help change negative feelings and thought patterns to a positive and relationship building experience. It will help you see them more like our Father in Heaven sees them and help you turn towards one another.
Friday, May 31, 2019
Making Sacrifices
Henry B. Eyring gave a General Conference address called, "Our Perfect Example." He said, "Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."
I just love that quote. This type of prayer shows a desire to have a strong marriage and a willingness to work towards it. I also think when you're praying it would be beneficial to say a few things about your spouse that you are grateful for. It will help focus your mind on the positive things that your spouse is doing. My spouse and I have couple prayer together every evening before bed. Sometimes we make a point to complement one another in our couple prayers. I cannot express the closeness and tenderness of feelings I have had towards my spouse as I listen to him complement me and thank Heavenly Father for the sacrifices I have made and still make on behalf of our family.
One thing that I have experienced and come to knew is important in a marriage is sacrifice. Both must be willing to make sacrifices for the relationship. Let me share a personal story about sacrifice. I met my husband as a college freshman. We dated for a year and then got married. I wasn't planning on getting married. I had every intention of serving a mission. Several times throughout our courtship, I would pray, "Heavenly Father I am falling in love with him. I need to break up with him now so it won't be so hard later. I am going to serve a mission." Heavenly Father would tell me, "Just keep dating him." I ended up not serving a mission, but instead married the perfect man for me. We were both students at ISU. After we had been married for two years we began talking about having children. I knew as soon as we had children, I would have to put my education on hold. So my husband and I made a deal. If we started are family now, I would support him in all his schooling and training; however, as soon as he was finished, it was my turn. He had to support me in finishing my degree. So we started our family. I supported my husband through medical school, residency, and fellowship. I packed and moved our small family across the country 3 times. I supported my spouse by taking care of everything regarding home maintenance, children, bills, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, car maintenance, health care, and anything else that didn't involve him studying and working long hours. It was a lot of work and at times very stressful. It was a sacrifice I made to ease stress on him. However, when my husband finally finished, he held up his end of the bargain and encouraged me to go back to school. He does a lot more cleaning and laundry, so I can focus on homework. When he comes home from work he immediately takes over the children and lets me go to my room to study. I am extremely grateful for his service and sacrifice he makes so I can attend school.
In Dr. Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, he says, "'And [God] gave unto them commandments, that they should worship the Lord their God, and should offer the firsdings of their flocks, for an offering unto the Lord. And Adam was obedient unto the commandments of the Lord" (Moses 5:5). Adam and Eve were to offer God their very best, the "firstlings of their flocks." I wonder what the firstlings of our flocks are. Is it our cherished free time that we must put on the altar? Is it our love for sports, games, reading, shopping, clothes, or money that must be sacrificed?"
It is with this quote in mind that I ask myself this question. What firstlings of my flock do I need to place on the alter to strengthen my marriage and help my spouse feel more cherished? It is humbling to take a close look at yourself and how your actions are affecting your spouse. I have come to the conclusion that I need to put my phone away at night. I like to end my day with mind numbing internet surfing, usually facebook. After we put the kids to bed I get ready for bed and then sit on the couch with my phone for 1/2 hour. I need to put my phone in another room and make eye contact with my spouse. I know this will help him feel cherished because he will have a visual reminder that I care more about him than I do my phone. Instead of wasting time on my phone for 1/2 hour I can have an extra 1/2 hour of pillow talk (a fun activity my spouse and I do very frequently to keep our friendship strong and feel emotionally close to one another).
Ask yourself this same question. Ponder and pray about it. The Lord will help you know what will be most beneficial for your marriage. Then use it as a stepping stone to creating your happily ever after.
I just love that quote. This type of prayer shows a desire to have a strong marriage and a willingness to work towards it. I also think when you're praying it would be beneficial to say a few things about your spouse that you are grateful for. It will help focus your mind on the positive things that your spouse is doing. My spouse and I have couple prayer together every evening before bed. Sometimes we make a point to complement one another in our couple prayers. I cannot express the closeness and tenderness of feelings I have had towards my spouse as I listen to him complement me and thank Heavenly Father for the sacrifices I have made and still make on behalf of our family.
One thing that I have experienced and come to knew is important in a marriage is sacrifice. Both must be willing to make sacrifices for the relationship. Let me share a personal story about sacrifice. I met my husband as a college freshman. We dated for a year and then got married. I wasn't planning on getting married. I had every intention of serving a mission. Several times throughout our courtship, I would pray, "Heavenly Father I am falling in love with him. I need to break up with him now so it won't be so hard later. I am going to serve a mission." Heavenly Father would tell me, "Just keep dating him." I ended up not serving a mission, but instead married the perfect man for me. We were both students at ISU. After we had been married for two years we began talking about having children. I knew as soon as we had children, I would have to put my education on hold. So my husband and I made a deal. If we started are family now, I would support him in all his schooling and training; however, as soon as he was finished, it was my turn. He had to support me in finishing my degree. So we started our family. I supported my husband through medical school, residency, and fellowship. I packed and moved our small family across the country 3 times. I supported my spouse by taking care of everything regarding home maintenance, children, bills, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, car maintenance, health care, and anything else that didn't involve him studying and working long hours. It was a lot of work and at times very stressful. It was a sacrifice I made to ease stress on him. However, when my husband finally finished, he held up his end of the bargain and encouraged me to go back to school. He does a lot more cleaning and laundry, so I can focus on homework. When he comes home from work he immediately takes over the children and lets me go to my room to study. I am extremely grateful for his service and sacrifice he makes so I can attend school.
In Dr. Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, he says, "'And [God] gave unto them commandments, that they should worship the Lord their God, and should offer the firsdings of their flocks, for an offering unto the Lord. And Adam was obedient unto the commandments of the Lord" (Moses 5:5). Adam and Eve were to offer God their very best, the "firstlings of their flocks." I wonder what the firstlings of our flocks are. Is it our cherished free time that we must put on the altar? Is it our love for sports, games, reading, shopping, clothes, or money that must be sacrificed?"
It is with this quote in mind that I ask myself this question. What firstlings of my flock do I need to place on the alter to strengthen my marriage and help my spouse feel more cherished? It is humbling to take a close look at yourself and how your actions are affecting your spouse. I have come to the conclusion that I need to put my phone away at night. I like to end my day with mind numbing internet surfing, usually facebook. After we put the kids to bed I get ready for bed and then sit on the couch with my phone for 1/2 hour. I need to put my phone in another room and make eye contact with my spouse. I know this will help him feel cherished because he will have a visual reminder that I care more about him than I do my phone. Instead of wasting time on my phone for 1/2 hour I can have an extra 1/2 hour of pillow talk (a fun activity my spouse and I do very frequently to keep our friendship strong and feel emotionally close to one another).
Ask yourself this same question. Ponder and pray about it. The Lord will help you know what will be most beneficial for your marriage. Then use it as a stepping stone to creating your happily ever after.
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Growing a Better Marriage
This week I started reading Dr. Gottman's book entitled "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." I highly recommend you read this book. Even if you have a strong marriage, still get it. It can make your marriage even better and draw you even closer to your spouse.
Dr. Gottman talks about a strong marriage isn't made by good communication, good conflict resolution, although those are beneficial. Rather, it is the friendship between one another that makes a marriage strong. Think about the time you spent together when you were dating your future spouse or when you were newly weds. You dedicated a lot of thought, time, and attention to the relationship. A friendship in marriage requires time and attention to keep that side of the relationship strong.
My husband and I met at college. We were in the same singles ward and had a chemistry class together. My husband likes to say it "yielded an attraction" (nerd humor)! We started by hanging out in a group of mutual friends. I saw how funny and interesting he was. An attraction grew as I came to know him better. We had so much fun together and laughed a lot. 16 years later, he still makes me laugh more than anyone I know. We have frequent pillow talk and usually it consists of us laughing hysterically about inside jokes and silly word games we make up. I can honestly say my spouse is my best friend and there is no one I'd rather spend time with.
What if you don't feel like you and your spouse are very good friends anymore? Do you feel stuck in a negative downward spiral? Do not despair. There are things you can do to improve your friendship and create the relationship you really want. Let me share a story. When my husband went to medical school he was extremely busy. He studied all the time. I had very little time with him. When he graduated and started residency, I saw him even less. 80 hour work weeks were low hours for him. Seven years later, I didn't feel as close to my spouse as I use to. We hadn't made our relationship a priority and had slowly, almost imperceptibly, drifted apart a bit. So we started focusing more on our relationship. We started pillow talk. This was 15 minutes in the evenings, after the kids were in bed, we'd lay in bed and talk, laugh, and enjoy one another. It didn't cost money and required very little effort. Our friendship grew and I felt close to my spouse again. I am not a marriage expert and I am not saying our approach is a one size fits all. It is a story I wanted to share so you could see that even though I have a strong marriage and close friendship with my spouse, it hasn't always been that way. When we had drifted apart, we were able to change that and you can too.
In his book, Dr. Gottman has three love map exercises in chapter 3 that couples can do together that can be fun and enlightening. They can enhance your marriage. I highly recommend you do them. He also has cards you can do fun little activities together to build your friendship. You can find them at
https://www.gottman.com/product/love-map-cards-for-couples/
Building your friendship with your spouse doesn't have to cost a lot of money or be a grand gesture. It can be simple or and not require a lot of time. The point is to be consistent with making time for one another. I have noticed when my husband and I take inventory of our relationship, if we are feeling like we aren't as close it is because we haven't been doing pillow talk consistently. It's interesting how quickly your friendship grows when you can spend time enjoying one another. This is one way I am creating my happily ever after.
Dr. Gottman talks about a strong marriage isn't made by good communication, good conflict resolution, although those are beneficial. Rather, it is the friendship between one another that makes a marriage strong. Think about the time you spent together when you were dating your future spouse or when you were newly weds. You dedicated a lot of thought, time, and attention to the relationship. A friendship in marriage requires time and attention to keep that side of the relationship strong.
My husband and I met at college. We were in the same singles ward and had a chemistry class together. My husband likes to say it "yielded an attraction" (nerd humor)! We started by hanging out in a group of mutual friends. I saw how funny and interesting he was. An attraction grew as I came to know him better. We had so much fun together and laughed a lot. 16 years later, he still makes me laugh more than anyone I know. We have frequent pillow talk and usually it consists of us laughing hysterically about inside jokes and silly word games we make up. I can honestly say my spouse is my best friend and there is no one I'd rather spend time with.
What if you don't feel like you and your spouse are very good friends anymore? Do you feel stuck in a negative downward spiral? Do not despair. There are things you can do to improve your friendship and create the relationship you really want. Let me share a story. When my husband went to medical school he was extremely busy. He studied all the time. I had very little time with him. When he graduated and started residency, I saw him even less. 80 hour work weeks were low hours for him. Seven years later, I didn't feel as close to my spouse as I use to. We hadn't made our relationship a priority and had slowly, almost imperceptibly, drifted apart a bit. So we started focusing more on our relationship. We started pillow talk. This was 15 minutes in the evenings, after the kids were in bed, we'd lay in bed and talk, laugh, and enjoy one another. It didn't cost money and required very little effort. Our friendship grew and I felt close to my spouse again. I am not a marriage expert and I am not saying our approach is a one size fits all. It is a story I wanted to share so you could see that even though I have a strong marriage and close friendship with my spouse, it hasn't always been that way. When we had drifted apart, we were able to change that and you can too.
In his book, Dr. Gottman has three love map exercises in chapter 3 that couples can do together that can be fun and enlightening. They can enhance your marriage. I highly recommend you do them. He also has cards you can do fun little activities together to build your friendship. You can find them at
https://www.gottman.com/product/love-map-cards-for-couples/
Building your friendship with your spouse doesn't have to cost a lot of money or be a grand gesture. It can be simple or and not require a lot of time. The point is to be consistent with making time for one another. I have noticed when my husband and I take inventory of our relationship, if we are feeling like we aren't as close it is because we haven't been doing pillow talk consistently. It's interesting how quickly your friendship grows when you can spend time enjoying one another. This is one way I am creating my happily ever after.
Friday, May 17, 2019
Strengthening Your Marriage
In the First Presidency Message in the Liahona April 1986, President Benson said, “I hope you would teach this truth about the temple to your children and your grandchildren. Go to the temple—our Father’s house—to receive the blessings of your fathers that you may be entitled to the highest blessings of the priesthood. “For without this no man can see the face of God, even the Father, and live.” (D&C 84:22.)
I think the Family Proclamation to the World and temple ordinances go hand in hand. If we want to teach our children the importance of temple ordinances, they must also truly understand the role of families in Heavenly Father's plan. The Family Proclamation states, "The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally." Temples make this possible. We have a responsibility to teach our children why the temple ordinances are so important in the plan of salvation, for without them, we would be lost.
President Benson also stated blessings that we can have if we attend the temple regularly.
I think the Family Proclamation to the World and temple ordinances go hand in hand. If we want to teach our children the importance of temple ordinances, they must also truly understand the role of families in Heavenly Father's plan. The Family Proclamation states, "The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally." Temples make this possible. We have a responsibility to teach our children why the temple ordinances are so important in the plan of salvation, for without them, we would be lost.
President Benson also stated blessings that we can have if we attend the temple regularly.
• You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears.
• You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.
• Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you.
• You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.
• You will receive the key of the knowledge of God. (See D&C 84:19.) You will learn how you can be like Him. Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you. (See D&C 84:20.)
• You will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” (D&C 138:34.)
This gives me so much hope and peace. It also makes me want to go to the temple more so I can have these blessings more abundantly in my life. A few years ago I was homeschooling my children because we had moved to place with inner city schools that were not doing well academically. I began feeling overwhelmed and frustrated a lot of the time. I started attending the temple every Thursday night because I noticed if I went to the temple every week, it recharged my batteries. I was better able to handle the demands of motherhood and homeschooling. I was also blessed with greater patience and compassion for my children. I saw the power of regular temple attendance within my own life because it helped me become a better mother.
In the First Presidency Message, President Benson quoted the Prophet Joseph, who said: “If a man gets a fullness of the priesthood of God he has to get it in the same way that Jesus Christ obtained it, and that was by keeping all the commandments and obeying all the ordinances of the house of the Lord.” (Teachings, p. 308.) I loved this quote. We have a blue print for obtaining eternal life in the account of Christ's ministry found in the New Testament. Line upon line, trying to be a littler bit better every day.
To obtain a fullness of the priesthood, we begin by being baptized and confirmed, then endowments and sealing to spouse, for males, obtaining the priesthood is also part of this. I want to focus on being sealed to your spouse. When we enter into the temple marriage covenant, we are promising to give 100 percent to our spouse and the marriage.
Elder Hafen gave a talk entitled, "Covenant Marriage." In his talk he said, "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent." When troubles arise, we covenant to work through them and persevere, growing together as husband and wife, towards Godhood.
Elder Bednar gave a talk entitled “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan.” In his address, he asked a question of how we can gage ourselves if we are being contactual or covenant companions. "Am I striving to become a better [spouse] or preparing to be a [spouse], by understanding and applying these basic principles?" The basic principles he is talking about is eternal marriage. Marriage is essential to God's plan. Marriage between one man and one woman is essential in bringing children to this earth and raising them in a home filled with love and unity. In this type of home, a child's physical and spiritual needs are met. Elder Bednar discussed the triangle with Christ at the top and husband and wife on the bottom two corners. As they draw nearer to Christ, they naturally grow closer to one another.
We could make a long list of things we could do to be a better spouse, but I think lists can be overwhelming. So choose one thing you can do a little better today to draw closer to God and your spouse. Maybe that's choosing to not get angry, putting your phone down, getting up with the baby so your spouse can sleep, or praying for your spouse. Those are only a few ideas of things you could do. Do what is most beneficial for your marriage. As you work towards this, you will be creating your happily ever after.
Friday, May 10, 2019
Traditional Marriage
This is a sensitive topic. I will use respect and kindness to express my beliefs. If expressing disagreement, please do so respectfully.
Sheri Dew said, "[a]t the heart of becoming disciples is doing what we promise to do every time we partake of the sacrament—which is to “always remember” the Lord (see Moroni 4:3; 5:2). This means remembering Him when we choose what media we’re willing to expose our spirits to. It means remembering Him in how we spend our time and when choosing between a steady diet of pop culture or the Word of God. It means remembering Him in the middle of conflict or when temptation looms. It means remembering Him when critics attack His Church and mock truth. It means remembering that we have taken His name upon us" (Mosiah 5:7).
I support and believe in traditional marriage. I believe a child has the right to be born in a home with a mother and a father who are committed to one another and who honor their marital covenants.
In the case Obergefell vs Hodges (2015) Supreme Court of the United States it says, "From their beginning to their most recent page, the annals of human history reveal the transcendent importance of marriage. The lifelong union of a man and a woman always has promised nobility and dignity to all persons, without regard to their station in life. Marriage is sacred to those who live by their religions and offers unique fulfillment to those who find meaning in the secular realm. Its dynamic allows two people to find a life that could not be found alone, for a marriage becomes greater than just the two persons. Rising from the most basic human needs, marriage is essential to our most profound hopes and aspirations."
I believe in freedom of speech and religious liberties. In 2015 Alexander Dushku gave a speech at Religious Freedom Annual Review. He discussed how when abortion was first made legal, there were opinions that were polar opposites. There wasn't legal or cultural backlash on those who were pro life. There were extremest on both sides. Within those differing opinions, one being against legalizing abortion, citizens were able to still live civilly with opposing views. Can't we also have this same civility on support for traditional or same sex marriages? Protecting the rights of all people and religions and their right to liberty and the pursuit of happiness. This includes those who support traditional marriage.
Justice C. J. Roberts, a Supreme Court justice dissented in the Obergefell vs Hodges case stating, "This universal definition of marriage as the union of a man and a woman is no historical coincidence. Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history—and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship." He went on to say that the well being of children come from a stable home with parents who love and respect one another and stay together. He also said, "for the good of children and society, sexual relations that can lead to procreation should occur only between a man and a woman committed to a lasting bond."
President Russel M. Nelson said, "God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!"
From the very beginning marriage has been between a man and a woman. Traditional marriage wasn't created with the intention of discriminating against same sex couples, but rather the means to populate the earth and allow children the right to a home with parents who love and respect one another and who love and respect their children. Why has marriage been historically defined between one man and one woman? Because we have thousands of years of history proving that it works. It sustains life and produces well-rounded adults who contribute to society.
Justice C. J. Roberts said, "In short, our Constitution does not enact any one theory on marriage. The people of a State are free to expand marriage to include same-sex couples, or to retain the historic definition." I know same sex couples want the same rights as traditional couples, but it remains the right of every individual to define marriage in whatever manner they choose. Whether that be same sex, traditional, polygamy, or even objectophilia. We may not all agree to the different forms of marriage, but there are so many differing views. I ask that we not seek to overthrow these views and force a mandate on beliefs regarding marriage, but rather we seek understanding and respect to individuality and the freedom to define marriage by whatever beliefs one has.
Sheri Dew said, "[a]t the heart of becoming disciples is doing what we promise to do every time we partake of the sacrament—which is to “always remember” the Lord (see Moroni 4:3; 5:2). This means remembering Him when we choose what media we’re willing to expose our spirits to. It means remembering Him in how we spend our time and when choosing between a steady diet of pop culture or the Word of God. It means remembering Him in the middle of conflict or when temptation looms. It means remembering Him when critics attack His Church and mock truth. It means remembering that we have taken His name upon us" (Mosiah 5:7).
I support and believe in traditional marriage. I believe a child has the right to be born in a home with a mother and a father who are committed to one another and who honor their marital covenants.
In the case Obergefell vs Hodges (2015) Supreme Court of the United States it says, "From their beginning to their most recent page, the annals of human history reveal the transcendent importance of marriage. The lifelong union of a man and a woman always has promised nobility and dignity to all persons, without regard to their station in life. Marriage is sacred to those who live by their religions and offers unique fulfillment to those who find meaning in the secular realm. Its dynamic allows two people to find a life that could not be found alone, for a marriage becomes greater than just the two persons. Rising from the most basic human needs, marriage is essential to our most profound hopes and aspirations."
I believe in freedom of speech and religious liberties. In 2015 Alexander Dushku gave a speech at Religious Freedom Annual Review. He discussed how when abortion was first made legal, there were opinions that were polar opposites. There wasn't legal or cultural backlash on those who were pro life. There were extremest on both sides. Within those differing opinions, one being against legalizing abortion, citizens were able to still live civilly with opposing views. Can't we also have this same civility on support for traditional or same sex marriages? Protecting the rights of all people and religions and their right to liberty and the pursuit of happiness. This includes those who support traditional marriage.
Justice C. J. Roberts, a Supreme Court justice dissented in the Obergefell vs Hodges case stating, "This universal definition of marriage as the union of a man and a woman is no historical coincidence. Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history—and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship." He went on to say that the well being of children come from a stable home with parents who love and respect one another and stay together. He also said, "for the good of children and society, sexual relations that can lead to procreation should occur only between a man and a woman committed to a lasting bond."
President Russel M. Nelson said, "God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!"
From the very beginning marriage has been between a man and a woman. Traditional marriage wasn't created with the intention of discriminating against same sex couples, but rather the means to populate the earth and allow children the right to a home with parents who love and respect one another and who love and respect their children. Why has marriage been historically defined between one man and one woman? Because we have thousands of years of history proving that it works. It sustains life and produces well-rounded adults who contribute to society.
Justice C. J. Roberts said, "In short, our Constitution does not enact any one theory on marriage. The people of a State are free to expand marriage to include same-sex couples, or to retain the historic definition." I know same sex couples want the same rights as traditional couples, but it remains the right of every individual to define marriage in whatever manner they choose. Whether that be same sex, traditional, polygamy, or even objectophilia. We may not all agree to the different forms of marriage, but there are so many differing views. I ask that we not seek to overthrow these views and force a mandate on beliefs regarding marriage, but rather we seek understanding and respect to individuality and the freedom to define marriage by whatever beliefs one has.
Friday, May 3, 2019
Welcome!
Welcome welcome to a blog dedicated to creating your own happily ever after. This is a place I will share information and knowledge I learn as I study Marriage and Family.
To begin, I read 2012 The State of the Union Address. It discussed several things affecting families in our nation. Reflecting on the community I grew up in, I was able to see some of the things discussed. I grew up in a small farming community. There were two main races, white and Hispanic. It was predominantly members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and Christians, which are religions that place a high value on marriage and families. I knew a few kid's parents were divorced, remarried, or single parents. The few kids that were living in a low-income, single parent home, where the father was nonexsistent, did poorly in school. They also got into trouble a lot more. W. Brad Wilcox described “the fragile state of marriage among the poor [as] high school dropouts, with all the attendant problems of economic stress, partner conflict, single parenting, and troubled children.” I saw kids my age affected by this very description.
Paul R. Amato wrote an article where he discussed the impact of divorce, cohabitation, and single or two parent homes have on children. I was mostly interested in the “Discordant Two-parent Families” section in Amato’s article. He said that children in high conflict, 2 parent homes have similar struggles as children that come from divorced homes. I grew up in a high conflict home. I often wished my parents would divorce so the yelling would stop. By the time I was 14 years old, things changed a lot. The yelling had diminished substantially. My home finally felt safe. I found it especially interesting when the article talked about the real predictor of the child’s outcome was the quality of parenting. I feel like I have experienced both sides of a good marriage and a high conflict marriage.
President Kimball said, “…only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.” I think this is in large part because only those who have a deep faith in the family will be willing to fight for their families, their marriages, and their children’s well-being. Things that I am doing to “preserve my family in the midst of gathering evil” is doing Come Follow Me, family scripture study and prayer, repenting, forgiving, attending the temple. I also am working on being a better listener by making eye contact and eliminating distractions, also not interrupting. I am also using conflict resolution skills learned from a previous class. It has helped to work through disagreements between my teenager as well as my spouse in a calm and productive way. We are actively finding solutions.
If a friend were to ask me how the church feels about divorce, I would tell them marriage is a sacred union between man and woman. The covenants entered into in a temple marriage cannot be taken lightly. All efforts should be made to honor these covenants. Simply drifting apart or falling out of love are not reasons that sacred covenants should be abandoned. These differences can and should be worked through and overcome. While it is not easy and will surely be hard, the Savior’s atonement can heal and change hearts. There are instances where divorce is unavoidable and require understanding.
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