Gridlock

In Dr. Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles For Making a Marriage Work," he talks about gridlock.  A gridlock is when spouses have two very different opinions, beliefs, or values about a subject that they cannot agree on. He says that to really find an answer to a gridlock in a marriage, it will take a few sessions. Couples need to begin by telling what their view point means to them. No accusations. Only give the background of why it is so important to you. Listen without judgment. If things begin to get heated, sooth one another ie:meditate together or find humor. Then you can pursue the ongoing task of finding an acceptable compromise for both partners. Dr. Gottman gives us an important reminder, "Understand that your purpose is not to solve the conflict- it will probably never go away completely. Instead, the goal is to "declaw" the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of pain."

As an example, my husband and I are totally different in our organization. He came from a cluttery home. I came from a very organized and clean home. I get stressed out when things are not orderly and tidy. My husband isn't bothered by clutter or being unorganized. So, our solution was he has a corner in our bedroom with a night stand and dresser that you have to walk in and turn around to see. He can have it as messy and cluttery as he wants. I do not nag or complain. If he leaves things out around the house where it becomes clutter to me, I can put the items on his dresser or nightstand. He will never be as organized as I am. It's not a priority to him. I will always like things more organized than him. We compromised by agreeing to keep the main living areas clean, but that he gets a space where he has free rein to do whatever he wants with. It works for us and keeps us from constantly being frustrated about the issue.

Overcoming a gridlock is possible, it will require some give and take, but finding a solution you can both be happy with is achievable.