This week I started reading Dr. Gottman's book entitled "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." I highly recommend you read this book. Even if you have a strong marriage, still get it. It can make your marriage even better and draw you even closer to your spouse.
Dr. Gottman talks about a strong marriage isn't made by good communication, good conflict resolution, although those are beneficial. Rather, it is the friendship between one another that makes a marriage strong. Think about the time you spent together when you were dating your future spouse or when you were newly weds. You dedicated a lot of thought, time, and attention to the relationship. A friendship in marriage requires time and attention to keep that side of the relationship strong.
My husband and I met at college. We were in the same singles ward and had a chemistry class together. My husband likes to say it "yielded an attraction" (nerd humor)! We started by hanging out in a group of mutual friends. I saw how funny and interesting he was. An attraction grew as I came to know him better. We had so much fun together and laughed a lot. 16 years later, he still makes me laugh more than anyone I know. We have frequent pillow talk and usually it consists of us laughing hysterically about inside jokes and silly word games we make up. I can honestly say my spouse is my best friend and there is no one I'd rather spend time with.
What if you don't feel like you and your spouse are very good friends anymore? Do you feel stuck in a negative downward spiral? Do not despair. There are things you can do to improve your friendship and create the relationship you really want. Let me share a story. When my husband went to medical school he was extremely busy. He studied all the time. I had very little time with him. When he graduated and started residency, I saw him even less. 80 hour work weeks were low hours for him. Seven years later, I didn't feel as close to my spouse as I use to. We hadn't made our relationship a priority and had slowly, almost imperceptibly, drifted apart a bit. So we started focusing more on our relationship. We started pillow talk. This was 15 minutes in the evenings, after the kids were in bed, we'd lay in bed and talk, laugh, and enjoy one another. It didn't cost money and required very little effort. Our friendship grew and I felt close to my spouse again. I am not a marriage expert and I am not saying our approach is a one size fits all. It is a story I wanted to share so you could see that even though I have a strong marriage and close friendship with my spouse, it hasn't always been that way. When we had drifted apart, we were able to change that and you can too.
In his book, Dr. Gottman has three love map exercises in chapter 3 that couples can do together that can be fun and enlightening. They can enhance your marriage. I highly recommend you do them. He also has cards you can do fun little activities together to build your friendship. You can find them at
https://www.gottman.com/product/love-map-cards-for-couples/
Building your friendship with your spouse doesn't have to cost a lot of money or be a grand gesture. It can be simple or and not require a lot of time. The point is to be consistent with making time for one another. I have noticed when my husband and I take inventory of our relationship, if we are feeling like we aren't as close it is because we haven't been doing pillow talk consistently. It's interesting how quickly your friendship grows when you can spend time enjoying one another. This is one way I am creating my happily ever after.
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